Everyday I Choose

As I write this blog at the middle of the night, I guess this will be the bravest blog I'll share so far. And as you read this, you're now entering my life. This is not just a piece of me, but my whole being maybe.

Let me start with this, remember if God brought you to it, He will bring you through it.

A year and three months have passed since I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. It is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sometimes I'm happy, but most of the times I'm lonely. It has been difficult for me dealing with myself and in what I'm going through. Insomnia is real. Getting up from bed is most of the times difficult. Tears from unidentified reasons will just flow. Panic attacks are present. Indecisiveness dominantly manifests. But despite all of these, I find myself fighting, I find myself hoping that one day everything shall pass.

Still I am thankful to the Lord for allowing me to journey this. Yes, it is challenging, but this is the path that He wants me to take. Like what I prayed when I first knew this, "Lord, if this is Your way for me to be closer to You, and so be it." 

So as I continue journeying my illness, God has allowed me to grow and taught me a lot that led me to these realizations.

I cannot do it alone. Never. One thing that I've learned in this journey is that I cannot deal this illness alone. I remember going to the hospital and see a psychiatrist all by myself because I thought I was already brave enough to face all of these. The akala-ko-matapag-ako moment.. But unfortunately, I wasn't ready. It was hard that time accepting the doctor's diagnosis. I didn't know what to do, where to go next and whom to share with the things that I was going through. It was late afternoon after my check-up, I went back to the office and kept myself busy from work so I wouldn't think of it. But it was not easy. Acceptance was a challenge back then. I told myself that I would be okay, the people around me don't have to know about it. But little by little, my self-pride vanished away. I need my family. I need my friends. I need God. By His grace, there were people who helped me and journeyed with me even to the extent of going with me to my check-ups, talking with my parents and reminding me to take my medicines. I was reminded that the battle I am fighting is not just my own battle, but also the battle of those people who continues to hope for me. And this keeps me going!

I have to open up myself more. I have to let people love me and take good care of me. Yes, it is hard for me to make myself vulnerable in the eyes of others, but I need to be open to them. I wanted to be brave, but bravery entails openness. I thought keeping my situation will make me feel better because I don't want them feel that I am a burden, but it humbles me. I learned that if I want to be healed, I need to open up myself more. I have to open what I'm going through, what triggers me, what's going on my mind every now and then, and even what help do I need for me to be better. Honestly, I am not used to it. I grew up giving myself and every simple thing that I can to people, so it was hard for me to receive and accept love. But this circumstance changes me. Little by little, I am now  accepting the fact that I need my loved one's presence - that all the love that they have showed me since day zero plays a big part on how I'm coping up with this. My existence right now is because of the love and support of those people who witnessed me at my weakest but never left me, who still accepted me for who I am, and for those who fight with me. (Yes, you know who you are! Know that I'll forever praise and thank the Lord! I do believe that His love never runs out through each one of you.)

I need God. Most of all, it is Him I needed most. Some people say that depressed people just lack of spiritual life. Big no! If you just know how hard I try everyday to cling on to God and bring myself closer to Him during tough times. I know that in His loving arms I'm at my safest. There were days and nights that I'll just find myself crying because I cannot control myself - I cannot control my emotions, my mind. And during those episodes, I'll simply go to a private room, isolate myself from the crowd, and ask for God's grace. Actually not only ask, but really beg for His grace, for His healing, for His comfort because I know to myself that I need Him. My favorite line goes like this, "Lord, alam Mo pong hindi ko na kaya. Tulungan Mo po ako. Maawa na po Kayo." I used to utter this prayer because it calms my mind and comforts my soul. It has been my favorite prayer since then. And as I journey this, one thing that also keeps me going is whenever I take the Eucharist. It has been my daily spiritual maintenance medicine. It sustains me. I know, I know it is Him!

The battle is still here and I'm still fighting it. I have to take one step at a time or take urgent actions if already needed. I can't be in this situation forever. I know. I do believe that I have to take myself out of this. So by His grace, I make a commitment that...

Everyday I choose God.
Everyday I choose my life.
Everyday I choose to fight.
Everyday I choose to hope.
Everyday I choose to love.
Everyday I choose to get better.

PS.If you know people who are also suffering from depression, your presence will mean a lot. Find time to be with them. Take time to listen to them even more. Be more patient. Be more understanding. Be more kind.

PPS.If you're the one who's suffering from this, always know that you are not alone. Trust the process. Take one step at a time. Always remember that you are loved and there are people who believes in you.